My True Secret Reality
This is my reality that I live... It is just so crazy, My true friends dont really know what goes on in my life. Its so true it seems like a movie sometimes.
Another dream interpreted.
SO THE CANOE STARTS FILLING UP WITH BLOOD.
AND ALL I SEE ARE CLIFFS AND HEAR A HELECOPTER AS IM FADING AWAY.
WIERD RIGHT?!?
Canoe:
To see a canoe in your dream, represents serenity, simplicity, and independence. It is also a reflection of your emotional balance. You are moving ahead via your own power and determination.
Blood:
To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant
Hemorrhaging:
To dream that you are hemorrhaging, suggests loss of vitality, loss of faith in yourself, and lack of self-confidence. Also consider where you are hemorrhaging from and analyze the symbolism of that body part.
Stabbed:
To dream that you have been stabbed, signifies your struggle with power. You may be experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be feeling betrayed as the popular phrase goes, "being stabbed in the back".
Also my last dream about marrying a rich boy i couldnt be with and knowing his name.
Lust:
To dream of lust, suggests that you are lacking or feeling unfulfilled in� some aspect of your life. Alternatively, you� need to exercise some self-control.
Wedding:
To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.
Secret:
To dream that you or someone has a secret, represents hidden power. It suggests that something needs to emerge from your unconscious.
oh man.
...you are bipolar.
someone you care about.
and you dont want them to blow up at you and call you a lier.
scared
have i ever told you i model
They look stretched because i shrunk them.
Stay Awake, Stay Awake... Survive.
THE BOYFRIEND AND I ARE FIGHTING.
IM NOT TALKING TO HIM.
NOT ANYTIME SOON.
HES A CRAZY BOY.
BI-POLAR.
XOXO
"Hi, your my facebook friend."
"I do... I will be the next Alegator hunter... I'll cook them... in a CrocPot... I am badass."- My cousin
So I really want to go out to the club.
That "i want to make love in this club." song.. makes me want to like grind. LOL.
I have a headache........
boo
Shrooming...
Like have you ever Tripped?
The song Name by the googoodolls. remind me of my first trip.
I felt like a little kid all over again.
i realized so many things about life.
so many things about who i was.
I felt so innocent again.
i am so glad i tried that... it felt so amazing.
i cant even explain how i felt.
Bigger then just me.
Sometimes, all of us, including myself seems to think the world is going to collapes and end if our hearts are breaking, or our boyfriend goes crazy and we have no way to fix it.
but there a bigger worries in this small tiny world then just my own personal love problems.
I should be happy who i am with. happy with my life.
live it to the fullest.
but itscrazy. i was watching this show on the health channel of the worlds littles people.
I want to love and hug them. they must have so much saddness. i hope they dont, i really hope they dont. or the blind. or the deaf. ( i work with this guy... hes 27ish... and deaf... cutest nicest, friendliest, hardworking, kind hearted man... and by me hugging him... makes his day.)
I like making people smile.
it makes me feel good.
I think that is my goal for the whole week.
make someone new smile each day.
There are bigger problems in the world then just my itty bitty love problems.
Do you believe your dreams?
like where I believe they have to do with my life.
I had a dream last night... that I lived back in Vermont... My family had LOADS of money somehow we all won it or something. So none of us worked. My family friends were over and this boy who i learned named was Adrian.
He was really cute... but for some reason we couldnt be together even though we were 'in love' where we were sneaking around.
I was single but he was being forced to marry... like in the old mid-evil times and whatnot.
The girl wasnt in love with him. just his money.
I watched this dream like a movie. and i didnt want to wake up.
because i felt so loved by this boy, adrian.
His characteristics were tall, tan, wore button downs alot... sometimes business suits. spikey long hair. Oh man... and he loved me.
Likei felt it in my dream.
Like i was loved.
and i knew the feeling. But we had to hide it.
my sisters knew.
they watched out.
but whats odd about my dream... is that it could be true.
it wouldn't surprise me.
I just want to find this man.
and feel that love.
You ain't hood bitch, not living in vermont.
I just got done watching sweet home alabama...
how i love that movie.
i want a love story.
actually, I want an attractive man in my life.
thats right... Man. Not a 20 year old boy.
i like them older.
have i mentioned that?
but i also want a love story.
Beautifully Broken
I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I am going crazy.
Obsession takes over my every wanting to know where and what he is doing.
I just want at simple '1 NEW TEXT'
or just to hear his voice. I am obsessed with knowing where he is.
I dont know how it goes from a wonderful day of cleaning, holding each other, passionate kisses to not talking.
For someone who is 30, he seems kind of childish.
I feel 'beautifully broken'
i am just listening to random hate songs, be stronger songs.
But it seems like the I HATE YOU songs are the ones making me feel better.
like some brand new behind the song hate songs.
I just want to figure out what makes him tick.
I can't believe that he takes over my whole life diary.
I just want to burn this page in my head... Pretend it isn't real.
I wish it was easier then it is... like "i know your secret"
... this whole entry... is all about B.
I havent gotten ahold of my boss in a week. I am about sue him unless I get the pictures from the last shoots I did. I am soo irritated with them right now. they are not moving anything. So that means no money. i havent seen anymore in a long while from them.
Urg. I still am checking my phone a hundred times.. and the time never seems to change.
bla. I need a cute boy in my life.
Hmm... maybe something like this.A cute boy just like him to look me in the eyes.
We will call him BC.
;-) --- if you only knew.
some things make me smile.
End Of The Innocence
Hello Readers.
So has everyone heard that song by Don Hanley?
The end of the Inncoence.
That is how I feel my life has been since I have moved to Florida.
I am a girl lost in a big world of lies, drugs, obsessions, alcohol, secrets, sex and many rumors.
I come from a small town in a small state in the upper east coast of the united states.
I have so many secrets that I could start a book called... My own true secrets.
This Blog will be a rollercoaster of a ride through the events in my life and maybe even the secrets in my life. 
Rumors that have gone around my home town in Vermont.
That I strip in florida.
I do lots of drugs.
I dont eat anymore.
I am dating a 30 year old.
I model nude.
Some of these are true. But you will have to learn for yourself by reading.
Lets start with my life.
I moved to florida with a friend we will call M. He was an ex iraq solider... so no need to go on, he was crazy. He cheated on me and i am still a whore. :-) But truth be told... I knew he was cheating on me for months. So i started cheating on him as well. Less sex with him, more with the boy I live with now, But not for much longer.
We will call him JL. JL and I are close to the same age... I am few months older then him. He is my room mate... ROOM mate. I also have a boyfriend who is crazy as well sometimes. I think he has a chemical imbalance but its hard to talk to him without him blowing up at me. And i dont want to leave him quite yet because i think I love him.
I HATE LOVE.
I have only learned a little about my love so far but its enough to know that i hate it already. I am sure someday i will marry someone i feel is a prince but right now the men or boys that I see are only still after one thing... that i turn on there penis.
So eventually i will talk about my past and everything that made me the way I am today... which is a lot.
My boyfriend we will call B. He is sweet most of the time we are together its just when we are apart he goes crazy and switches on his 'nuts' light. Like last night I found out that in the first month we were together that he went skydiving with his EX girlfriend. and that is probably why he didnt invite me. But what i didnt like about it is that he hid things from me.
Now I know I am not perfect.. actually far from it. But I am not crazy.
I hate liers.
I hate people who arent honest and hide things for there own protection.
I mean if he would have told me then that she was going it wouldnt be as bad when i found out months later. Likei did. Now what else is he hiding.
I wish i could just tell him i think he needs medicine.
OH so this is why i think he needs medicine... I asked him why he didnt tell me she went... you know calmly.. and he went.. " why dont i just have a girl roommate... then our relationship would be even. its not fair you do things that i dont do."
LIKE COME ON.. HOW OLD ARE YOU... 12.
NOT EVERYTHING is fucking fair.
have you not learned that in your 30 years of life.
I love him... i really do.
he just irritates me.
Sometiems hes sweet then the next secont. CRAZY.
Actually alot of things irritate me.
I wishi lived in a hole.
xoxo
